o outcry! -

It seems difficult for people to get their heads around how I could be depressed.

For one thing, depression isn't just 'feeling really sad'. It's clinical and can be stress induced or just utterly random.

But you know what? I'm applying to grad schools and that's fucking terrifying. If I don't get in, my life will be thrown severely off track. I'll recover, yes, but I'm allowed to be worried about it.
The man I love won't say he loves me unless I'm there looking him in the eye. Wonder what THAT means.
My friends seem distant, and anyway I'm the kind of person who wouldn't normally reveal these feelings unless asked, so it's my own damn fault.
If I go to school 'round the Great Lakes I'll be leaving my family, if only for a matter of years.
But my grandparents are THINKING of moving back there too to be near my aunt, in which case I'd have to choose between them and my parents in the long run. Awesome.
My grandpa is getting checked to see if his prostate cancer may have come back, we'll see how that turns out.
Even if it hasn't he keeps losing weight and scaring me to death.
I'm SICK.

And when I cry about all this or just ask for comfort, people don't know the whole story. I don't tell it, but they don't ask, either. So on the surface I'm just a needy bitch. And if that's what people think of me I'm even worse off than I thought.

On September 9th, 2008 04:15 am (UTC), (Anonymous) commented:

Dark.

Depression is something I'm familiar with...you might say even comfortable- I've spent quite a bit of time in that state in my life. My advice? Fuck em all- if they are still around when the smoke clears and the dust settles, then you can be friends again. For me at least depression always contains an element of selfish not giving a shit, so it makes being friends difficult. Its generally much better that I shun company until it passes.

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On September 9th, 2008 04:20 am (UTC),

clamore replied:

Re: Dark.

My problem is that at these times, the people I DESPERATELY want to give a shit about me... don't.

My mother will surely read this. I don't mean you, mom. You're always there for me. But sometimes it seems like you're the only one.

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On September 9th, 2008 05:01 am (UTC), (Anonymous) replied:

Re: Dark.

Look on the mildly bright side- I care, even if I am really little more than a techno-blip. Just lay low, sleep as much as possible, and just as day follows night and spring follows winter, so too will this all pass. It just sucks that it takes so long.

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On September 9th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC),

neovenator commented:

I've been dealing with depression for a long time. At least since college, if not well before that (to a lesser degree). You should know, the fact that you're pushing forward with grad school applications, even though it's "fucking terrifying," says an awful lot.

Most depressed people I know or have known, including myself, would completely give up in the face of something like that. I've always wanted to go to grad school, but just can't bring myself to go through with it. You're doing an awful lot better than I ever did.

I spent years in therapy and on Effexor to get over the bulk of my depression, but it's come back lately. I just can't afford to do anything about it this time but soldier on.

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On September 9th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC),

god_is_dead_fn commented:

Oh, my dear.
I know how hard it is. When things are good, sometimes you think they'll never be bad again. And then when they're bad, it seems they'll never get better. Life is scary. School can be scary. Growing up and needing to do more, to work harder, to push for more- all of it is scary. But being scared doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. In fact, I think it means that you fully appreciate exactly what it is that you're doing, that you feel everything a little more deeply, and isn't that better than feeling nothing at all? Than not being scared?
The friends you have, the real ones, don't need to know everything that frightens you to love you anyway. And from the looks of it, here, it seems like a lot of the people in your life know exactly what you're going through. <3

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08:57 pm 9/8/08 5 songs qui vivit in ilia	clamore It seems difficult for people to get their heads around how I could be depressed. For one thing, depression isn't just 'feeling really sad'. It's clinical and can be stress induced or just utterly random. But you know what? I'm applying to grad schools and that's fucking terrifying. If I don't get in, my life will be thrown severely off track. I'll recover, yes, but I'm allowed to be worried about it. The man I love won't say he loves me unless I'm there looking him in the eye. Wonder what THAT means. My friends seem distant, and anyway I'm the kind of person who wouldn't normally reveal these feelings unless asked, so it's my own damn fault. If I go to school 'round the Great Lakes I'll be leaving my family, if only for a matter of years. But my grandparents are THINKING of moving back there too to be near my aunt, in which case I'd have to choose between them and my parents in the long run. Awesome. My grandpa is getting checked to see if his prostate cancer may have come back, we'll see how that turns out. Even if it hasn't he keeps losing weight and scaring me to death. I'm SICK. And when I cry about all this or just ask for comfort, people don't know the whole story. I don't tell it, but they don't ask, either. So on the surface I'm just a needy bitch. And if that's what people think of me I'm even worse off than I thought.
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