o · outcry!

I haven't posted in so long, but I don't know where else to say something like this.

A local guy was shot and killed on Monday. Not even REMOTELY April Fool's, ok. He lived across the street from my grandparents, and they often hired him to help them out with odd jobs. Stacking their firewood, mowing their lawn, that kind of thing. He helped me to move my cousin's stuff out of her old apartment. His name was Curtis, and he was a few months younger than I am. Really good guy. The bastard who did it was caught, some 16 year old punk. Witnesses saw the two arguing, nothing too serious- Curtis turned away, and the kid shot him in the back of the head. It was in broad daylight.

People really disgust me sometimes. Shit like this should never, never happen.

So I finally got a Twitter account so I could more easily follow Stephen Fry, Neil Gaiman, and Phil. Then I added Hugh Laurie.

Then I saw the correspondence between @hughlaurie and @bobbysean.

HOLY-

Ok, I'ma be honest, my icon is a thoroughly accurate depiction of my reaction.

Hey! It's that time again! I feel like I'm home free, really. My major paper is WRITTEN. I have three finals next week, but I already feel prepared. A speech tomorrow or Friday, but MEH. I have so much extra credit in that class it's absurd. Jon will be here on Monday. Then I AM GRADUATING WTF. No worries until April, when I find out if I actually got into grad school, heh. I... I try to laugh. But I have no real contingency plan in place in the event I don't get in. HAHA.

I'll just make sure to get in. Yeah.

And while we're at it...

Can you tell it is PROCRASTINATION TIME?

Hey, guess who hasn't posted a quizzy thing in forever?

Yeah man.

doraell posted exactly twenty things he was thankful for, and I thought that was a pretty good start. I could go on for a long, long while... but let's give it a go!

My parents
My grandparents
Jon
My friends
Murphy!
The good health of the lot of them
The internets
The opportunities I have- school- and career-wise
The awesome research I've taken part in
Science!
The comfort of my own brand of non-faith
Restful sleep
Chocolate
Obama
Fog and rain
Thunder/snow storms
All the books in the world, even the silly ones
Peace of mind in my own house and home
The ability to travel
The fact that I totally enjoy holidays like this!


Today I'm going to start painting my room, then the family's over at 4:00. Foooood. Everyone have a good Thanksgiving. Canadians and other, have a good Thursday!

P.S.
OMG national rickroll

I just had a really interesting participant in my study. He came in quite cheerfully and filled out the surveys, then told me that while his class only required three hours of research participation, he had taken part in six. Not to be a keener, but rather because he didn't see psychology as a legitimate science and wanted to experience our so-called 'research' for himself.

I really respect that.

Psychology ISN'T that great as a science. I honestly don't consider myself a psychologist. I'm a behaviorist- one who greatly respects the professionals that have come before, but one who sees the domain as it is now in a rather poor light. People like Zimbardo, Seligman, and Milgram are the ones I admire. They tried their damnedest to approach the field as carefully and as scientifically as they could- even quite cold in their methods. But their results were, on the whole, abused and misconstrued by the public and even by their colleagues.

Now Skinner, and to a slightly lesser degree Watson- those guys changed the world. Whether or not anyone knows or accepts it yet, heh. But their discoveries can be APPLIED. They aren't just ideas floating around in the collective consciousness. We're scientists, damn it, not philosophers.

I hope my participant finds what he's looking for and doesn't disparage ALL fields of psychology. Though frankly, with the evidence stacked against us by the 'social' sciences, I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I've been having a really hard time already not giving a prominent middle finger to all the homophobic, bigoted bastards out there. Today will be fun. Whee.

I hate that this is marring the mind-blowing victory that is OBAMA... But I try to have such faith in California, and it failed me pretty badly this time.

The thing that horrifies me most is that, frankly, it will have little effect on ME... but I'll be looking right at my friends being denied rights that ever other American has. Some of my homosexual friends and acquaintances got married quickly, just in case the worst happened, as it did. I wonder what their situation will be now.

I wish I could be like Schindler. Or the freakin' Underground Railroad. Helping... but I voted and campaigned and I don't know what else I can do.

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE!!!

I voted!

I have been, without fail, 'defriending' anyone I see on MySpace or Facebook supporting Proposition 8. It may seem petty, but I'm just not going to tolerate seeing that bullshit on MY corner of the internets.

NO ON 8.

YES. Oh, I laughed. Gratuitously.

(Source)

Also: Hilarious.

Had a crazy dream combining marching band, Las Vegas, and Dr. Who last night. I don't remember much outside of that, but I know it was awesome. I also woke up about four times DESPERATE for a drink of water, and I'm still kind of perpetually thirsty this morning. Hm!

It seems difficult for people to get their heads around how I could be depressed.

For one thing, depression isn't just 'feeling really sad'. It's clinical and can be stress induced or just utterly random.

But you know what? I'm applying to grad schools and that's fucking terrifying. If I don't get in, my life will be thrown severely off track. I'll recover, yes, but I'm allowed to be worried about it.
The man I love won't say he loves me unless I'm there looking him in the eye. Wonder what THAT means.
My friends seem distant, and anyway I'm the kind of person who wouldn't normally reveal these feelings unless asked, so it's my own damn fault.
If I go to school 'round the Great Lakes I'll be leaving my family, if only for a matter of years.
But my grandparents are THINKING of moving back there too to be near my aunt, in which case I'd have to choose between them and my parents in the long run. Awesome.
My grandpa is getting checked to see if his prostate cancer may have come back, we'll see how that turns out.
Even if it hasn't he keeps losing weight and scaring me to death.
I'm SICK.

And when I cry about all this or just ask for comfort, people don't know the whole story. I don't tell it, but they don't ask, either. So on the surface I'm just a needy bitch. And if that's what people think of me I'm even worse off than I thought.

So, I burned through Into the Wild last night. It's been a while since I just up and devoured a book like that... felt damn good. The novel was enthralling, but more like a nasty car wreck than anything. The biographer hailed his subject as a transcendent, more than we mere mortals could ever hope to be. I couldn't disagree more. That punk kid just pissed me off, and I found myself quite disturbed to imagine that there are people in this world- my peers, people I've passed in my life, even people I know- who could spontaneously destroy the lives of those who held them dear in a magnificent display of self-absorption. Now, obviously, plenty of kids break their parents' hearts. But there's something in particular about Christopher McCandless that fired me up. He 'played along' with his family and friends before tossing them all out the window.

Summary: Sacrificed OH so much of his precious time in order to get his college degree and get his parents off his back. Told them he'd come see them soon before heading out on a long trip. Didn't, and never spoke to them or contacted them in any way ever again. Concocted a brilliant plan to get himself killed, and carried it out over the course of two years. Everyone who knew him and loved him had already confronted the possibility of his loss again and again- the confirmation of their fear could only deliver confusion and regret.

The kid was judgmental, histrionic, immature, and INCREDIBLY egotistical. There is such a thing as responsibility. Keep in mind, I don't espouse any high and mighty backing for my so-called morals. I do unto others largely because I fear what they could do unto me. Yes, I interact positively with people because it feels good, both directly and in knowing that they are happy as well. But when my thoughts turn at random to leaving, quitting, or even dying (I hesitate at the word), I can't possibly envision following through with any of it, because I so viscerally imagine the effect it would have on others. McCandless had none of that thought process. His parents raised him and cared for him in a manner almost exactly paralleling mine, actually. Then he planted a knife right in their hearts.

That INFURIATES me.

The feelings of loss and fury his family and friends must have felt overwhelm me even in supposition.

Probably the last graduate school post 'til I get accepted somewhere six months from now... ONLY SIX MONTHS?! Jaysus.

The final list! In vague order of preference and alternating East/West.

SUNY Buffalo
University of British Columbia
University of Michigan
University of Washington
SUNY Syracuse
Pacific University
University of Victoria

I won't even worry about which one I'd most like to go to until I know which of them actually become options. Wish me luck!

I haven't done one of those meme things in a whiiiiile. Time to get my feet wet again!

Rules:

- Post a Comment and I'll randomly assign you a letter (A - Z in the English Alphabet);
- Then you have to respond by listing ten things/people you LOVE that begin with that letter.
- Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

hoskie gave me A. It was surprisingly difficult at first, hm.

1) Applied Behavior Analysis
Obviously. I'm becoming more and more interested in the experimental analysis of behavior as my education continues, but the reason this area of psychology holds so much interest for me is its focus on APPLICATION. It's logical. It's usable. It works. It makes a difference. I'm thrilled to be a part of this flagship area of study that, I predict, will continue revolutionize the science of psychology in the decades to come.

2) Atheism
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, but as I become a scientist in my own right, I simply can't believe in something that isn't proven to me. Now, my standards for proof may be somewhat less stringent than others'. I believe in abstract concepts. Love. Meaning in life. Even 'free will', ha. The supernatural... not so much. Operationalize it, measure it, show it to me, then we'll see.

3) Archaeology
May seem kind of random, as I don't talk about it much, but... I love this stuff. Most groundbreaking sciences are all about NOW and what will come. History is naught but a stepping stone- at the most used to predict the future. But archaeology is all about the pure joy of transcending time and looking into the past. There used to be freakin' GIANT REPTILES. And MEGAFAUNA. That's crazy, yo. My interest here kind of crosses over into the wonders of evolution, but just looking at What Once Was enthralls me.

4) American Psycho
Favorite movie of all time, not in the least because of the romantic (?) connotations. Also Christian Bale, the 80s, social psychology in an actually relevant setting, deadpan deliveries, hilarious gore... oh man. Just can't be beat. I do adore the book as well, but the movie holds a special place in my heart. Everyone should try out both of them, truly.

5) Alexander Hamilton
My girlhood historical hero. The Bank of the United States was a great idea. Federalism rocked. He died a gentleman walking away from a duel. Good lookin' guy to have on our $10 bill. Speaking of his ideal wife, "as to religion, a moderate stock will satisfy me. She must believe in God and hate a saint."

6) Argentina
I've always wanted to go here and I can't believe I haven't managed it yet. Dan hails from here, as does my favorite Spanish teacher... favorite teacher in general, really. I love speaking Spanish (though I need to brush up), the place is beautiful, the food is great, music is outstanding, yaaaaay. Someday!

7) Appletinis
Delicious and classy lookin'. I don't make 'em often enough, since I don't keep apple juice around. Really, it's the only consumable item that starts with an A that I could think of to list here, but I thoroughly enjoy them. Only G&Ts and (sometimes) cosmos come out above.

8) Adrenaline
I love feeling the rush. It's rather intoxicating. Roller coasters, public speaking, even running when it's not so damn hot... it feels good. I can see the appeal that thrill seekers do, really. I just don't want to pay a lot of money for it/die, heh.

9) Agoraphobia
Ok, moreso on my mind since the recent House of Leaves reference. But every time I read about agoraphobia, I'm taken back into the book quite forcibly. Fear of open places... it's so primeval. So visceral. The human mind is an intriguing thing.

10) Aaron!
Here we go! The only person whose name starts with A that I adore :D He's my boooooy. He keeps makin' me proud!


Explanations cut a bit short because it's lunchtime, haha.

House of Leeaaaaaves!

I kind of hate myself for linking to this webcomic, but seriously. House of LEAVES. I've been meaning to give it a reread.